where you belong

So last night I was watching the christmas episode of the fosters and every time I hear the theme song I think about my life.  It's been about a month since my step mom rd me that my dad wasn't really my dad.  That my mom was a few months pregnant with me before she met my dad.  At first I didn't know what to think because I have been lied to for 18 years.  Why would no body tell me the truth? I really want to know who my biological father is and what my heritage is because I have no clue.  So I have been thinking a lot about this topic.  I don't know what to do anymore.  Also I need to find a good job so I can save money for college because unlike people who have their parents paying I have to do it for myself.  And that my step brother is a trust fund baby because he had a old friend who died and now my brother has all this money for school and housing and food. And I am stuck here. It's not fair I am the one who has been working really hard in school my whole life. Why do I have no money for college and also I tried to get some scholarship money and I got none and this one girl in my class got all the ones that she applied for but I am sure that her parents could have paid for her college fund.  It's just not fair.

awkward moment

Well I just had the most awkward family dinner ever. My brother was upset about something and he started to talk to my mom and he just started to cry. He was saying how he wanted to be a part of a different family and I was about to cry to.  But I know how he feels sometimes you feel like you don't belong somewhere. So now when my brother needs to chat I will be there for him because I know how it is to feel lonely and want to be with someone even if it's just a friend.  My bestie came home this weekend and I wasn't able to see her because of work and she had to leave early for school tomorrow.  Now I just kind of feel lonely also my sister keeps watching glee and I am so sick of it. Also it's because it's not even a good season.  But before we had dinner my brother came into my room to hold me rat and he wanted me to give him a hug and I did. It was a moment that I haven't had with him in awhile because we were so close when we were younger.  Sometimes I wished that we were still that close.

New beginnings

So I finally did it, I am all done with school. Its been a week since I graduated and today it got real for me in that my best friend in the whole wide world is going to Sonoma state next year and I am stuck here going to lame college of marin.  My friend is super excited about going to college away from her family but I feel like I'm gonna miss her a lot because she is the only person that gets me.  Also my sister made up a song that is about me leaving and she is going to have a bedroom all to herself and it makes me feel really bad because she doesn't love me as much as I thought.  I have been watching a lot of glee and I was thinking that I was a lot like Finn in that he just came back to his home town and doesn't know what to do with life.  College is super expensive and I have to make all the money myself if I want to go. Life is going to be super hard but I will just have to go for the ride.

Try and fail just try again

You know those times when you try your hardest and it always seems to fail.  I have had that moment a few nights ago. I was watching my sister and then I had to go help someone with homework and it got super late. I went home with my sister and made dinner.  By the time we had dinner it was 8:30 at night my mom got home from work and she was very grumpy at me. I went to my bedroom and I cried myself to sleep. It was really bad.  Now they are going to the mountains and I might go but I really don't want to.  It's so stupid the only reason is to get some things from the inn.  Well now I am done with my long saying

Day To Day

I have been thinking a lot about certain school related things.  Such as prom which is next month and the fact that in June I will be graduating.
 But first prom, prom is supposed to be the best night of ones life and this year I have decided that I want to go.  My mom says that she will buy me a dress, if I can lose 20 pounds and so now that is my challenge.  I have to go to the gym 5 times a week and not eat fried food or drink sodas.  I am pretty sure I can do it, I really want to go.  I was going to ask my crush, if he doesn't ask me or someone else.  But first I have to get to know him better.  My plan is simple hangout with him during the weekends and do casual things.  Like bowling or movies.
The next thing to think about is Graduation, it's probably the most important day for any high schooler.  I have been thinking about my mom lately too because of graduation.  She would be so proud of me but I know that when I walk on that stage on June 13th, 2014 my mom will be with me.  I have lots of family members that are coming to support me on my special day.
 I want the end of my senior year to go perfectly because you only have one senior year in your life that really matters.

P-E-R-F-E-C-T

Today was an amazing day.  I went to math class which was fine and then it was lunch time.  I sat in the library but then the bell rang for class and so I went.  I wasn't at school on Tuesday because I was sick and in my digital media class there was student lead teaching.  So I missed that and the guy that I have a big crush on was one of them that was helping other people and so today I asked him if he could teach me how to use the camera.  Then he did I was super happy and smiling and blushing the whole inter time that he was talking to me.  He is super sweet for helping and teaching me today.  I think that maybe I will ask him to prom after all I am a senior and it is the last time that I will be with everyone.  And sometimes I just have to take the risk.

Irony

Well I had a great day.  I did most of my homework at school which was really cool.  Then I had a dentist appointment which went good.  I have no cavities but I need braces and I told my mom that I still need them abd she said that I probably won't get them, which really sucks.  I would love to have them but they are too expansive.  So now I don't know what to do.  The guy that I really like looked super cute today.  He was wearing a marooned colored shirt which was adorable on him.  I was trying to get help from my mom with my homework and my dad and her started to fight and now my dad has to go to his friends house tomorrow.  I feel like I did this and it sucks a lot.